My husband is wonderful, and there are so many reasons why that I won't gush because while he will certainly enjoy the boost to his ego, at some point it just gets embarassing. But here, all of those wonderful qualities are basically entirely ignored for what I consider to be ridiculous ones. Think, if you will, on the following conversation:
Woman: "Who is babysitting Bree while you are at work at night?"
Me: "No one. Xen is taking care of her."
Woman: "Aww, that's so sweet that he's babysitting her. Aren't you worried though?"
Me: "Um, no... He *is* her father, not a babysitter. It's his job to take care of her."
Woman: "You must have a great husband!"
I realized how insulting that was to my husband immediately. But I have gotten compliments from a lot of people about him doing basic child care like giving her a bath, a bottle, feeding her, or changing her diaper. It's not that I don't appreciate that he does these things, because I most certainly do. But I don't think that his doing his job as a father is anymore worthy of praise than me doing my job as a mother. Of course he does those things, because our daughter requires them. He is a good father. He's not doing anything that I find out of the ordinary.
Perhaps it's because my grandfather was and remains a large influence in my life. He always told me that a real man takes care of his family and whatever needs they may have. That includes caring for his children. He's absolutely disgusted when he comes across a man who thinks that it's not his job to change diapers, or other various childrearing responsibilies. He and my grandmother shared the parenting responsibilities. As did his parents, who considered a division of labor where the man earns all of the money and the woman stays home with the children to be a product of prosperity. In fact, my great-grandmother told me that men not helping with the kids was a "rich person's problem." They were not rich; my great grandfather worked during the day, and then my great grandmother worked at night.
Thus I find the mindset exhibited by those people who consider my husband extraordinary for being a father to be entirely alarming.
He is really awesome, no doubt. But not because he can change diapers.
Another conversation I had concerning contraception resulted in a truly revolting statement from this woman:
Me: "I haven't gotten my period since Bree was born, so that baggie in my purse is just incase I get it here."
Lady: "How is that even possible? OMG YOU MUST BE PREGNANT AGAIN."
Me: "No, I'm not. I'm breastfeeding and that's normal. Also, you need to be having sex in order to get pregnant. Bree's birth was really traumatic for me so we haven't really been intimate since."
Lady: "What?!? You should go see a doctor, it's not normal that you don't have your period! And what does Xen think about you not having sex?!?"
Me: "He thinks that he'd rather have me mentally sound and we can have sex when he can touch me without me flinching away from him."
Lady: "Wow, he accepts that? You must have a great husband!"
OMG, seriously Lady? It's normal for women here to be forced by their husbands into having sex whether they want it or not?!? Where I come from, that's called marital rape. And that's sooo not normal, acceptable, or okay. My husband is not a rapist. That also doesn't make him a great husband. Even the most mediocre husband can probably manage to not rape their wives. I dare say even most horrible husbands wouldn't do that.
How do we benefit from setting the bar so low for the behavior of men in our society. Now I understand that this may all be a cultural difference, or perhaps even generational. But how low must one's standards be for a man if it's normal or accepted that they will rape their wives? Or that it's a woman's duty to have sex with her husband regardless of her own desire? If you're in that kind of a relationship, aren't you basically a prostitute, allbeit in a socially acceptable package? A prostitute trades her sexual services in return for money. A wife trades hers for the same and the added joy of waiting on her husband hand and foot, bearing his children, cooking for him, cleaning for him, and being obediant and subserviant to him?
I'm not a prostitute, nor a slave to my husband. It's a relationship of equals. And one equal does not have the right to impose his or her will on the other. We share responsibilities for our family, including child care and house work. That makes us a family, and a partnership. That doesn't make us extraordinary, it makes us functional on a very basic level.
I'm not exceptional because I love and respect my husband, nor because I work, take care of Bree, or the dogs, or any of the other ordinary things that I do. I'm not exceptional because I manage to not rape my husband. He's not exceptional for any of those reasons either. We don't want praise for those things, especially when they get more attention than the things that we do that are truly wonderful.
